From
time to time, I’ll try to provide a quick rundown and primer on upcoming MMA
events. Basically let you know who these
jerks are, what they do, if there’s anything particularly hilarious that’s
happened to them in a fight.
This Saturday, the UFC is back on Fox for a night of free fights with an interesting stipulation for the two co-main events. Whoever wins in the more impressive fashion will be the next number one contender to the Light Heavyweight title, taking on the winner of Jon Jones and Dan Henderson (Please, please, please win Dan!).
UNDER CARD
"Useless" Ulysses Gomez vs. John Moraga
- Gomez's Style - Brazilian jiu-jitsu
- Moraga's Style - Wrestling
- What will probably happen? I have no idea! I don't know either fighter, but I've heard of Gomez, so I'll say he gets the win by submission.
Manvel "Anvil" Gamburyan vs. Michihiro Omigawa
- Gamburyan's Style - Judo
- Omigawa's Style - Judo
- What will happen? I'm going to guess/hope Omigawa takes it, mainly because I once read a description of him as being a cross between Manny Pacquiao and a Carebear.
Phil De Fries vs. Oli Thompson
- De Fries' Style - Brazilian jiu-jitsu
- Thompson's Style - World's Strongest Man
- What will happen? De Fries will submit Thompson in a display of laughable English offensive wrestling against nonexistent English defensive wrestling.
Josh "Fluke" Grispi vs. Rani Yahya
- Grispi's Style - Submissions
- Yahya's Style - Brazilian jiu-jitsu
- What should happen? Yahya will submit Grispi
Phil "Mr. Wonderful" Davis vs. Wagner "Caldeirao" Prado
- Davis' Style - Wrestling
- Prado's Style - Muay Thai kickboxing
- What should happen? Davis will submit Prado, hopefully with another Mr. Wonderful
Cole "Magrinho" Miller vs. Nam Phan
- Miller's Style - Brazilian jiu-jitsu
- Phan's Style - Boxing
- What should happen? Miller with a submission victory.
MAIN CARD
Mike "Quick" Swick vs. DaMarques "Darkness" Johnson
- Swick's Style - Kickboxing
- Johnson's Style - Brazilian jiu-jitsu (Bit of a stretch, but he does have more submission victories than anything else and "freestyle" is dumb)
- What will probably happen - Johnson should beat up the guy that hasn't fought in two years.
- Alternate outcome that covers my bases - Swick blitzes Johnson and gets the tap with his Swickotine
Joe "J-Lau" Lauzon vs. Jamie Varner
- Lauzon's Style - Brazilian jiu-jitsu
- Unofficial Lauzon nickname that should be official - "Creepy" Joe
- Varner's Style - Wrestling
- Is Varner a horrible jerk that I hate? Yes!
- What will probably happen - Varner will probably use his wrestling to tire out Lauzon (This only takes one round) and finish the fight.
- What I want to happen - Lauzon punches Varner in the face a lot and gets a submission
Co-Main Event
Lyoto "Dragon" Machida vs. Ryan "Darth" Bader
- Machida's Style - Karate
- Bader's Style - Wrestling
- Has Machida been destroyed by Jon Jones? Yes!
- Has Bader been destroyed by Jon Jones? Yes!
- Was Bader the only man to lose to Tito Ortiz in his last 9 fights? Yes!
- What's probably going to happen? I expect Machida to be able to counter most of the stuff Bader will throw at him and outpoint him for a decision victory.
- Alternate possibility - Bader takes Machida's head off with a huge right hand.
Main Event
Mauricio "Shogun" Rua vs. Brandon "Truth" Vera
- Rua's Style - Muay Thai kickboxing
- Vera's Style - Muay Thai kickboxing
- Has Rua been destroyed by Jon Jones? Of course!
- Has Vera been destroyed by Jon Jones? Yes!
- What will probably happen? Vera will be too afraid to pull the trigger on anything and get beat up by Rua.
- Hilarious/sad alternate outcome - Rua's knees explode into dust and Vera wins.
Feel free to turn the comments into an open discussion thread (Unless some really awesome comedy sports blog decides to have one, then go there)
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